Beginning a new chapter

I have been tossing around the idea of a blog for awhile now. I've been keeping a diary or journal since I was 6 years old, and it's always been a wonderful way for me to sort through my emotions and make a little sense out of this life I lead. And, now with my life changing and blossoming, I thought this was as good a time as any to finally begin.

The title comes from one of my favorite songs, "Wicked Twisted Road" by Reckless Kelly.

"My first love was a wicked, twisted road
Hit the million mile mark at 17 years old,
Never saw a rainbow, much less a pot of gold,
Yeah, my first love was a wicked twisted road."

I see now that the road that I've been traveling from the time I was 17 years old is not headed in quite the direction that I thought it was. This is not a bad thing, and I'm more than just a little content and pleased with the direction I am now headed, but the wicked twists and turns I've taken along the way have been challenging and painful.

"My first love was an angry, painful song,
I wanted one so bad, I went and did everything wrong,
A lesson in reality would come before too long,
Yeah, my first love was an angry, painful song"

I had what everyone considered a fairytale life. I had a comfortable home, and happy, tight-knit family. We were enjoying life and doing things we loved to do. But, the foundation of our world had been slowly eroding for years, and I never took the time to build it back up. I just took things as they were and figured I could get by. I thought that the things that were missing from my life could just be ignored, that I could distract myself and go on without what I was so fervently craving. Soon, it was too late, and my marriage of 13 years was over.

"My first love was a castle in the sky,
Never thought I'd make it 'til I had the guts to try
And I sat up in my tower while the whole world passed me by,
Yeah, my first love was a castle in the sky."

I am to blame. My ex-husband is to blame. I love him very much, and I get nostalgic looking back at what we had. I regret that my children now will have to split their time between the two of us. But, we are working together and even though there could be so much pain and animosity between us, we are still providing a safe and happy place for our girls to reside in. They have not shown signs of too much damage so far, and I hope and pray that they will be blessed by the things that will be added to their lives and not hindered by what they have lost.

As for me, I have found a love stronger than anything that I knew existed. I have loved and been loved before, but I am now overwhelmed by what I feel. To borrow some words from the blog of my friend Jenna, I have been completed in ways that I never knew I was incomplete. From the moment my eyes met this man's eyes, everything in my world turned upside down. The timing was terrible and I was in no way looking for someone to love, but his smile took over my being and I was his. He makes me a calmer, more patient person, and we fit together so well. I have had to endure much criticism and pain from the people I love most in my life, but I would take it all over again if I had to. I can not live without this man.

Right now, it is a long distance relationship. I never imagined how hard that would be. I'm battling depression because of it. I have so much to be happy about, but the lonely days and nights are hard to take when I know how good it is when I am not alone. And, we just aren't sure how long this will have to last. He is looking for a job, and he is more than ready to move. We are still awaiting a call back on a job he's had two interviews for, and next week he will be in town for another interview. I hope and pray that something will come along soon. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. Of course, I will endure it, because there's nothing else I can do.

Soon, our two families will become one, and my quiet life will not be so quiet any more. I will go from 2 children to 6, and I will deal with challenges that I never thought I had wanted to take on. But, now I want it more than anything in the world. It's going to be an adventure. I'll continue down this wicked, twisted road I have been following and I look forward to the surprises around every corner.